Forbidden Memories
by Lingers
Summary: Post Beneath the Surface


It takes all her resolve and common sense not to drive her car to his house, kick in his door and claim what she's lost. Instead she sits on her porch in front of her own house, gazing at the night sky of Colorado Springs, counting the stars. Trying to think of anything but the memories of the underground factory, and the time she's spend there. As if to pretend it was the long confinement beneath the surface of the ice planet, or the fact that she hadn't breathed clean air for months that made her feel completely lost and unable to go on, as if everything is the same as before.

Only it isn't. She wants to go back. She longs for the long hours of hard work, the steam of the engines and the dirt that seemed to cover everything. She misses all of it, because it reminds her of him. It reminds her of his laughter and his silly jokes. Their first tender kiss and his scruffy beard against her cheek, when he held her close.

But Jonah is gone, and along with him Thera is a ghost that haunts her mind and the life she was supposed to have. Why does it feel like the person she is now, is an imposter stealing her reality and her right to choose?

She knows she should stop thinking of herself as Thera, but she might have scrubbed the dirt off her body, washed her hair and changed her clothes. She can still hear the workers argue. She can still taste the gruel and the dry bread. If she closes her eyes, she can feel his touch, his strong hands and long fingers like an artist, painting fire and sculpting and shaping her body. Hot lips on sweaty skin and kisses with tongue and teeth – biting and tasting. Slow lovemaking under the covers. Hiding in the shadows, feeling the rough surface of the stonewall scraping against her breasts and nipples, his chest against her back, the hard evidence of his arousal entering her from behind, as he gasped in her ear.

It's forbidden. Against regulations. They just hadn't known at the time, why their relationship felt right, but at the same time so wrong.

There's a chill in the air, she haven't felt earlier. It's getting late and she's tired. Yet she's not ready to go to bed. Her home is completely alien to her. It's hard to believe she's lived there for years.

Five minutes later, she's in her car. She's trying to tell herself, she isn't driving in the direction of his house, she just can't stay at home, and she can't be there alone. But who is she trying to kid?

There it is – his home – and his backyard surrounded by tall trees. He probably picked this place because it reminds him of Minnesota. She knows he's an out-doors-type of man that needs the space and quiet that only nature can give him.

All lights are off, maybe he isn't even home… She should turn around right now, go back and drive away. She's only making things worse.

Even so, she finds herself by his door. She hears a noise, and curiously, she walks around the house, and stops when she sees him standing in front of a small fire with his back to her. He's wearing the casual clothes, he likes to wear, when he's at home, but his lean frame is stiff and not relaxed at all. She's never seen him stand so still. The light of the fire highlights the silver in his hair, and she swallows a sigh, when she remembers how it had felt to run her hands through the soft strands.

He must have heard her, because he slowly turns. Maybe he had known, she was there all along – he's a hard man to walk in on.

He makes no move to come closer, and neither does she. They just stand there, watching each other. She wishes she could see his eyes, but they are hooded by his brows and the semi darkness. She can always read his eyes – he has so expressive eyes. But right now his feelings are completely closed off to her.

"Why did you come here…Carter?" His voice brakes the silence and resounds in her ears. He's saying it like he has to remind himself what her name is.

"I…" she starts. She doesn't know what to say, well actually she does, she knows all she wants to say - but can't. She searches his eyes again, finding the same remaining shadow.

I miss you, she thinks, I can't stop thinking about you. I need you.

She watches him come out of his frozen position and takes a few steps toward her.

"I know," he whispers, and she almost doesn't hear. He stands still again, his hands secured deep in the pockets of his pants. She can see his eyes now that he's standing closer, and what she feels when she sees the look in his eyes, is almost indescribable. Such longing and loss. The depth of his brown eyes mirror her own feelings, and she wants to embrace him, hold him close and never let go, but when she starts to move, he backs away.

"Don't." She hears the anguish in his voice - the longing look is still in his eyes, but slowly diminishing. "Just don't." If you touch me now, we won't be able to stop.

With her heart pounding in her chest, she watch him retreat with all guards up. He's right of course, they can't let any more happen – it's bad enough as it is. They have been so careful for a long time - ever since they both became aware of their attraction and feelings. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less, now that they know what they are missing.

"I'm sorry, sir." She pulls at her denim jacket and gazes down and starts to count the cracks in the tiles. "I shouldn't have come here, I know it was a bad idea, it was just that I…" She looks at him again, "I couldn't stay at home, it was wrong somehow, and I just ended here." She sighs. "I know it's no excuse, but…"

"I know." he nods slowly. "Don't apologize, Carter, it's not your fault." It's so different to be… home."

She can't help to smile a little at his sulking look, when he says it. "I actually thought, the first thing you would do, was crash on the couch and watch Simpsons with a beer in your hand," she says.

"Yeah, and order pizza," he smirks. "Yes, well, there will be time for that." The smirk is gone again. "Everything goes back to normal." Their eyes meet in mutual understanding. She nods and watch him turn around and go inside.

She drives home. Her eyes burn. She swipes her hand at her eyes, angry at herself. She won't cry, she's just tired, so tired.

It's going to be hard to get back to normal, but they'll do it. They have to endure. What is love compared to saving the world anyway?

Notes:

Um, I have no beta so I hope there's not too many mistakes..  
Please let me know what you think :)


End file.
